October 21, 2014
While we have months and months between us and that terrible storm and even though we have rebuilt and are settled in a lovely home, we are forever changed. We are scared and I doubt this situation will change ever, at least not anytime soon. I chafe under this discomfort but no amount of “put on a happy face” and “be thankful for your blessings” can erase the scars of what we went through
We both have our triggers, stuff that is like nails on a blackboard and can create anxiety and flight or fight response in nano seconds. Maybe the trick is to not make too much of it and to realize it’s our new normal but it’s not fun or pleasant by any means. I think parents of murdered children must feel this way. A part of them is missing and can never be replaced and for not one moment do I put myself on the pain level with a grieving parent. And I guess it’s a universal truth, all pain hurts and all pain changes you. An learning to live with pain is our new challenge.
But this grief has a silver lining, like a scorching fire that runs rampant over the prairie, new joy is born. Days are so much more. Sunrises are more beautiful, good times are savored and cherished, grandkid hugs are more precious that gold. We’ve learned to enjoy little things in the moment that they happen because life is so uncertain and unguaranteed. Just because you start the day with house and home doesn’t mean it will be there when the sun goes down. Things and situations and sometimes even people are temporary. Enjoy them while you can. Squeeze out every bit of joy out of each moment; leave nothing unsaid, nothing undone.
And yet there is another component to our journey. Grace. God’s grace in the moment. I recently heard this phrase in that little voice told me “you better write this down, it’s important”. We are given grace in the moments of our deepest pain, God’s hand on our shoulder, His comfort, His nearness. We were never alone, never lost and never forgotten. Grace has made the difference and helped to equalize the tragedy. So maybe the pain isn’t scars but simple growing pains, where new bone and new skin are stretching to create more. I would like to think so.